Last year, or any other year in the past 10+, I’d have given my eye teeth to weigh what I weight now but I’m feeling completely dissatisfied with where I find myself now. Granted, I did gain weight over the festive feast and I’m thankful to have lost 3kg’s of the weight I gained so far, but it’s rather bizarre to be feeling so fat when, well, when I’m not fat!

My mind is really struggling to keep up with my body. The festive feast has taken me 10 steps backwards on my journey to a healthy and slim version of me. With the way I feel currently, you’d swear I was back at 118kg’s and I’m not, I’m still 30kg’s below that weight but somehow I feel completely dissatisfied with where I’m currently at.

I think this is partially due to the festive feast weight gain but it also feels like my brain switched over at new year, with a new starting weight for the year, and even though that’s substantially less than last year, I feel like I’m putting huge pressure on myself to reach goal weight as soon as possible.

In addition, I will say, the oddest part of my weight loss journey so far is how fearful I’ve become of going back. Do you know, there are nights when I still have nightmares where I’m convinced the last year was just a dream and I’m still tipping the scales at 118kg’s! I wake up most mornings and the first thing I do is run my hand across my ribs, stomach and hips, to check that it wasn’t a dream, before I even wake up properly. It’s a very odd thing, to be so fearful of something that was me for many years and I don’t really know how to explain it. While I was never happy about being the fat girl, it never really scared me, but now it does, it frightens the crap out of me. I don’t want to go back, I don’t want to be that girl again, the DUFF (designated ugly fat friend) or the wallflower, the woman so self conscious of her looks that she literally hid herself. I don’t want to go back. I’m terrified of it.

Is that normal?

I guess I’m afraid of failure, that somehow everything that worked so well in the past year will suddenly stop working.

I don’t know… I don’t really know how to explain it!