There is no doubt that 2019 has not been a gentle year. Not for me and pretty much not for anyone I know. While thinking about this post and about reflections of a year and a decade, I had a bit of an a-ha moment.

2019 to me: But did you, DIE?

I dunno hey guys, at times I have wished I was dead. I know that sounds very DRAMATIC, but it’s been such a tough year. I’ve battled with my health, both physically and mentally.  I’m feeling a little unhinged if I’m honest and battling perimenopause while trying to fight off depression is pretty fruitless. There have been moments in the last year, where through literal oceans of tears as I’m collapsed on the floor, I’ve told my husband that if I’m going to feel this way for the rest of my life, I’d rather die. Add to that my battle with my weight (more on that in the weeks ahead) and I just don’t feel well. I don’t feel physically strong and I feel mentally like I’m teetering on a precipice. If I had to describe how I feel it would be LOW, low moods, low energy, low tolerance, just LOW.

Other 2019 Low Lights

It has felt in so many ways like 2019 literally kicked be in the proverbial balls and then proceeded to keep elbowing me on the back of the head to keep me crouched down on the ground. When I refer to “me” I mean my family to a large degree too. Early in the year, the company my husband has worked for for the better part of a decade started to crumble and the news of his impending retrenchment was very stressful. Of course, we were extremely fortunate in that he didn’t actually sit without work and had a few jobs to choose from when it came down to the crunch.

The one he has chosen has given him HUGE personal and professional growth over the past 6 months, but it has come at a cost for all of us. He has little to no personal time and all of this has taken its toll on all of us. It’s been a very hard adjustment for the family.

So between all the changes and my poor mental and physical health, it’s honestly felt like a year of low lights.

2019 – The Highlights

I had to think really hard to find some highlights. Actually, I had to ask my husband to help me find some highlights, that’s how low I’m feeling, how low my mental state is currently. The biggest highlight for me in 2019 has been tremendous professional growth. Branching out into Influencer Engagement and Influencer Campaign Management has been a huge learning curve for me and one that I am truly loving. I have learned so much about digital marketing and influencer marketing in the past year, and dare I say it…. through my own personal growth in this area, I’ve played a part in really establishing the brands I represent professionally and number one brands for parents on social media and again, so hard for me to toot my own horn, but the brands I represent have really started to dominate online because of the dedicated time and work I’ve put into developing these skills and that is such a huge positive for me.

But it all got me thinking…..

While I was looking back on 2019, I participated in a little exercise on Instagram last night and it kind of shone a spotlight on how overall tough the past decade has been, check this out:

On NYE 2009, I was a brand new mom to a 2-week old baby, after more than 7 years of struggling with infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss. I was convinced, as we stood at the cusp of a new decade, that I was about to start living my happily ever after. Instead, by the end of the 1st year of the new decade, my marriage was in ruins and I was diagnosed with post-adoption depression syndrome and PTSD after all the years of recurrent pregnancy loss.

So my decade and my 40’s have not been easy, but then my decade and my 30’s, struggling with infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss wasn’t easy either. But neither were my 20’s, where I worked to establish some kind of career path, had to recover from proper heartbreak, did the stupidest rebound marriage after the heartbreak to wrong man completely, landed up abused and divorced less than 2 years later where I then proceeded to head straight into another relationship that had the exact same tone of abuse and control as my disastrous starter marriage.

LIFE IS HARD!

And that’s what I took away from all of this. Life is HARD! There are no happy endings. There are moments of utter bliss and perfection peppered throughout our struggle on this journey of life, these little pepperings of joyful perfection keep propelling us forward, keeping giving us hope and encouragement and keep us joyful under the burden of our struggles.

Happy New Year Friends!

May 2020 bless you all with a rich bounty of perfect moments so that the burden of the hard times is easier to bear.